Our Miscarriage Story

Our Miscarriage Story

“The bleeding doesn’t look like it’s coming from your cervix.”

“There is probably about a 50/50 odds that this pregnancy is viable.”

“I’ll tell you, because you’re a nurse, but I don’t see a fetus.
There’s just a small gestational sac, and it doesn’t look quite right.”

“I’ll have to check with an endovag ultrasound.”

“No, he can’t come in the room.”

“There’s no baby.”

“I’m so sorry.”


It’s been two weeks since I miscarried our baby.

I typically really love to share my life and my family through social media and this blog. I love to write and I like looking back through old posts and reading about what was happening or how I was feeling through different stages of my life. I love sharing recipes and foods that I’m obsessed with. I love writing about parenting and talkingย about the different milestones ofย our two-year-old baby bird. And I love to write about babies and pregnancy and share my weekly “bump dates”.

But then I had a miscarriage.

Since the pregnancy itself was not even the slightest bit a secret, the miscarriage couldn’t be either. So I shared online that something not-so-great had happened, and I knew I would want to write about it here.

But what do I say?

I would love my words to inspire hope and help other grieving families but this loss is still so fresh that I’m not sure I can really do that. I’m still trying to find my own hope.

What do I share?

Do I tell you, chronologically, how this whole horrible thing happened? Do I talk about how I felt and what I did? Do I spare you the details? Isn’t that what I fervently “Google’d” in the midst of my agony?

How am I doing?

This is the question I am asked the most. From family and friends, amazing coworkers,ย acquaintances and people who have “heard what happened”. I want to look everyone in the eye and honestly say, “I’m doing fine!”. I don’t want to be weak, or sad, or make people uncomfortable.

But I spent 35 days thinking I was going to have another baby. We surprised our family at my daughter’s second birthday party with the news of another baby bird on the way! For 35 days I felt sore, and nauseous, and I was anxious about delivering a second time. I craved cheese slices and McDonald’s chicken nuggets and I would lay my hand on my belly at night and dream about our daughter meeting her sibling. I worried, about having another +MSS, and pregnancy complications, and horrible perineal tears and that first poop after having a baby. I worried about taking more time off work, because I really love my job. And I was so beyond thrilled that I was having the summer baby I always wanted, due on August 8th, 2017.

And my husband, every once in a while, would look at me with this ‘look’ on his face. This loving, tender, sweet and sometimes goofy look and say, “Babe! You’re pregnant!”. And I would laugh and shoo him away and get back to whatever I was doing. But it made me smile.

Then after days and days of bleeding, bloodwork, ultrasounds, cramping and waiting, I had a miscarriage. I was home alone, sitting on my bathroom floor, crying and wondering why I couldn’t stop. Wondering why I wasn’t handling it “better”. Why I couldn’t seem to put on my ‘nurse face’ to deal with this. Crying into the phone, trying to catch my breath. Begging someone to help me. Wondering for the millionth time why this was happening.

Now, two weeks later, I’m doing okay. Kevin is back to work. I am back to work. We are talking to each other and not arguing or fighting. I am writing in a journal and talking to family and friends and leaving the house to do normal and fun things. I am coping well and trying to move on. I seem to have this huge army of amazing people surrounding me with love and understanding. We are talking about when to try again.

But every now and then I feel a tsunami of sadness wash over me and I never seem to see it coming.

Kevin and I have never hesitated to share our exciting pregnancy news with the world. We have always felt that, regardless of the “what ifs”, we would celebrate every day/week/month of pregnancy with our family and friends.


In the spirit of honesty we would like to say that the last few days have been a whirlwind of awful. We did not see the healthy heartbeat of a 9wk fetus at our ultrasound yesterday. And we are SO thankful to the nurses and OBs in L&D who have taken care of us, above and beyond their job description. Taking some family time over the next week, but I’m sure I’ll have more to say soon. ๐Ÿ‘ฃ

Seven Goals for 2017

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These are NOT new year’s resolutions.

I repeat –

THESE ARE NOT NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS!

Whew, glad that’s clear. Here are 7 goals for 2017 that I think we can all agree on:

I | Do not judge…myself. Originally I planned to type a big long paragraph against judging others but I feel like that can be read anywhere. With so much hate in the world, anyone with a conscience is trying to be a little less judgemental. My goal for 2016? Be a little kinder with myself. I plan to gain a whole bunch of weight and then have another baby and settle into an entirely “new normal” for our family. And I’m planning to cut myself a little slack!

II | Save more money. Holy hannah no one warned me that being a grown up would be so tough! Now, with another baby on the way I realize I’m waaaay behind on this one. I’m sure even the most (financially) comfy people could stand to save up a little more and this is definitely my major goal for 2017.

III | Spend a little more time unplugged. I’m pretty glued to my devices a lot of the time. I can’t think of very many minutes in the day when my cell phone or iPad isn’t within reach. Even when I’m doing something fun and enthralling with my toddler, I’m trying to snap photos with my one free hand! Planning some device-free time each day is a must-do for this coming year (and always!).

IV | Be a more thoughtful gift-giver. I see things all the time while I’m out and about and I think of a certain someone they would be perfect gifts for! And I always pass it by, thinking it’s too soon for Christmas or their birthday has already passed.. Then I’m stuck at Christmas time scrambling to find gifts that are just perfect for the special people in my lives, when I could’ve had them tucked away and waiting. So many of my family and friends are very thoughtful gift-givers and it’s a quality I envy.

V | Be a more committed blogger. I love this blog. I love to write and take (amateur) photos, I love to share my perspective and thoughts with the world. I love wondering who’s reading my latest post, and seeing in my stats that someone, somewhere in New Zealand or Europe has looked at my tiny slice of internet real estate. I want to grow this blog, I want to better design it, and I’d someday like to buy my own domain (*cough* procrastination at it’s finest *cough*). This new year seems like the perfect time!

VI | Be a more patient mother. Or a more patient person in general. I feel like I’ve been trying to be more patient my whole entire life. Sometimes, when my daughter gets frustrated we tell her “patience” and wait for her to calm down. And thinking about that made me wonder where exactly she learns her impatience from in the first place. Oh that’s right, me. So I would like to model a little more patience in this upcoming year, for my husband, for my toddler, and for this poor little baby I’m waiting (impatiently) to meet.

VII | Get outside. I love to walk outside, to explore my neighbourhood, to people watch and struggle to wrangle my husky-mix as she chases everything in sight. Hang on, maybe not that last one. But seriously, I need fresh air and a cool breeze and the smell of trees and fresh rain every now and then to keep me from going totally cuckoo.


 

Pregnancy Bumpdate: Week 7

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This week was busy! I worked a long dNNN stretch and then finished all of our Christmas shopping AND wrapping in between! After sleeping 4hrs I went off for the first of many blood draws, and got a date for our first ultrasound! Looking forward to 8 days off &ย full of getting together with friends and family for a tonne of holiday festivities! This week is also Emmy’s official 2nd birthday and we will be celebrating her with gifts and “Minion” cupcakes! Cheers!