I’ve given a lot of thought to what I wanted to write to commemorate turning twenty-five, so much so that I haven’t written a single thing and it will be my birthday in half an hour. In fact, as I was brainstorming (while outside its actually storming – ironic), I realized that I had spent so much time thinking about what to say, that I don’t even know how I actually feel about it.
I realized that I am going to be a quarter century old. In exactly the same number of years I’ve already lived, it will be the year 2041 and I might have a grandchild. In three times that, it’ll be the year 2066 and I may or may not be alive. In four times my current age, I’ll surely be a pile of ash in a snowbank near the ocean.
When I lay it out like that, I feel as though I’ve simultaneously lived for a thousand years and just a millisecond.
I feel older than my age. I’ve been told that I seem older, on occasion, and I feel it. I’ve moved five times, lost and made friends. Met a cute neighbour who ended up being the love of my life. I’ve gained, through marriage, more family than I could’ve imagined. And I have lost family. I’ve stared into caskets of people that I couldn’t imagine my life without, and said goodbye. And I’ve figuratively lost some, too. I think it will take some more time to figure out which one is really more tragic. I’ve been educated, throughout the last 25 years. I have two diplomas hanging on the wall in my daughters playroom. A weird spot, maybe, but in a world where some little girls don’t even have a playroom, it’s the best place to put them. I have known the heartbreak of having my body fail me, if only for a short 11 months. I have felt the sheer joy and excitement of telling the man I love that we are going to have a baby. I have become a mother.
In 25 years I have disappointed my parents, and made them cry tears of joy and pride. I have overcome obstacles and I’ve pissed people off. I’ve taken care of others, and needed to be taken care of.
Going forward, I have big dreams. Dreams of a permanent job, a couple more kids and a ‘forever’ home, wherever it may be. I plan to try to be a kinder person without losing the honesty I hold so close to my heart. I plan to take the next 25 years to really savour my life, the little things, and to look back in 2041 and think “how lucky am I?”. Because that’s how I feel now..
And older than my age.